What it is like....
What is it like to wait for a child who you already love, to wait for a child who you have pictured in your mind a thousand times, who you long to hold in your arms? It is painful, dreadfully painful. In September 2005 my husband and I decided to adopt our child from China. At that time the wait was expected to be six to nine months until we would receive our child. By the time we jumped through all of the bureaucratic hoops, the wait had increased to nine to twelve months. That was in April 2006. I have been waiting over three years to bring my daughter home. Yes, she is my daughter even though we have never met. She is in my thoughts every hour of every day even though we have never met. My heart breaks knowing that we still will not meet soon, maybe not even this year. People who have not gone through this never ending wait cannot understand the agony that I go through every day, knowing that my daughter is still not home in my arms. Even my husband does not quite understand the agony and pain I feel because he is able to distance himself from the adoption process and will just tell me that our daughter will come home when the time is right. I am lucky to have wonderful co-workers that understand when I break down and cry because my daughter is still not home with me. I am lucky that my mom is so supportive and cry's right along with me when the wait just gets too much to handle at the moment. I am lucky that I have found many supportive friends in the adoption community who are struggling with this wait right along with me.
If for some reason my daughter could not come home, I would be devastated. I would grieve for my daughter who was never really mine. I would be in agony and would do anything to keep that from happening. I cannot describe how even the thought of this happening makes me feel. Just thinking about the possibility brings tears into my eyes and my stomach is in knots. Although my daughter is not home with me, she is in my heart and she is my daughter.
3 comments:
So sorry waiting4olivia...I know there are no words. I remember the pain of waiting for both my daughters. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not a day went by that I did not think of them as I waited.
As for your DH...he sounds like mine was too; it was his way of coping with the wait. Nana2livi sounds a lot like my mom too...always there for me. Olivia will be so happy when she is finally united with you.
Take care.
CTG from RQ;
I have 2 granddaughters. One I can hold and hug and kiss. I can play with her, sing with her, read to her and tickle her. We say "I Love You" to each other. We laugh together, and have fun together.
My second granddaughter I can only hug and kiss in my heart. In my heart, I love this child as if she were here. I dream about the fun things we will be able to do together, and the fun her cousins and Nana and Poppy will have together. My heart is growing with the love I feel for Olivia.
If something were to happen that would keep Olivia from coming home to us, I would be extremely devastated. I would grieve for her, as if I had held in my arms, and kissed her cheeks, and hugged her every day. I would grieve for the love that has grown in my heart for her. I would grieve for what should have been, and now isn't.
I can say that this wait has actually taught me patience. Spending most of my life sometimes being impatient when I wanted something, or wanted to do something, I have learned to hang on to my impatience to have our Olivia home with us. I put those feelings into my heart and soul, and that love has been nurtured each and every day. Yes, I am impatient for her homecoming, but I continue to wait, and I continue to love her. She has an awesome Mommy to come home to. Yes, she is going to be one very happy little girl.
To my grandbabies, here and in China, Nana loves you with all of her heart and soul. You are what life is all about. Uncontitional love.
Hang in there waiting4olivia..I am with you in the wait. It is painful. We are LID 8-10-06. I am often fearful I will never see our daughter. I think this fear I have is very unlikely however, and just part of the anxiety the wait had brought. I still believe we will have our daughter one day.
MD from RQ:)
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